2026-07-31 20:27:51 okay i added way too much bass in on aisle 1 whatever i posted it anyway because i'm sick of caring.
2026-07-31 13:33:49 have a dilemma okay because i'm not going back to mix that shit again it is what it is, um . okay never mind there is no dilemma yay.
2026-07-29 23:51:48 when everything but the girl said "did i grow up just to stay home", i felt that for real.
2026-07-29 23:46:31 i bet i could do it all if i really tried. going to sleep without brushing tonight goodbye.
2026-07-23 13:08:50 i need to listen to music more.
2026-07-23 12:47:27 once again asking, should i. kill myself??? hahahaha... ugh...
2026-07-21 14:13:12 i need to make more paperclips btw.
2026-07-21 12:42:23 i have so many unanswered emails from myself. the most recent two were at 12:34 pm and then 5:05 am.
2026-07-20 20:41:40 i always want to work on things in the evening but in the morning that want somehow disappears.
2026-07-20 20:41:01 maybe getting things wrong a lot is how you find your own sound.
2026-07-20 15:11:36 tired of being grown, i want to imagine again.
2026-07-20 15:04:33 is it possible for me to let myself be proud of what i did today and let myself rest and be okay for the remainder??
july 20th at 11:58 am, something calm
2026-07-20 11:55:42 i dropped my pen.
2026-07-18 21:23:08 i should watch a movie before it's too late.
2026-07-18 11:18:02 realizing i fell behind on keeping my site accessible.
2026-07-17 11:59:39 i should not be on a screen right now i am so hungry oh my god.
2026-07-17 11:48:20 it's too early rn. i shouldn't even be here right now.
2026-07-17 11:38:16 i need to decide right here and now how much i will care about mixing going forward. it seems so hopeless.
2026-07-16 21:23:53 if i make this less sacred, will it become painless??
2026-07-16 18:34:03 i can borrow, i can have that too.
2026-07-16 18:30:22 maybe i'm too scared of feeling silly or ridiculous to do anything innovative or interesting.
2026-07-16 17:34:45 today and the rest of july i want to practice chords, chord progressions, getting the emotions that im targeting.
2026-07-16 15:29:03 marinated chickpeas,, marinated chickpeas (๑ᵔ⤙ᵔ๑) ❤︎
2026-07-15 21:53:52 how do i do what's true to me, regardless of what everyone else is or isn't doing? like i should stop quitting things just because other people do them.
july 15th at 9:50 pm, using presets
2026-07-14 12:01:15 oh right i was thinking last night i should get rid of the improv pages.
2026-07-14 11:13:52 is it normal to want to make different sites for different things????
2026-07-13 20:55:23 nevermind about the music thing i don't think i have the capacity for that right now.
2026-07-13 20:36:10 my desk has been looking very congruent lately.
2026-07-13 19:59:09 i want to spend time taking care of myself and not freaking myself the fuck out about the future and really experiencing life and such. .
2026-07-13 19:51:55 you are going to be so alive.
2026-07-10 20:39:35 this wretch has gone so awry...
2026-07-10 20:32:04 i mean i can start practicing that now.
2026-07-10 20:31:50 i want to do sound design for an operating system.
july 9th at 5:45 pm, granular drums 2
july 9th at 4:41 pm, granular drums
july 9th at 4:30 pm, granular pluck
2026-07-08 10:59:26 my songs are not me.
2026-07-05 19:19:35 i don't know what i want to do. i mean i know i want to make good music but idk how to do that. gonna go cry.
2026-07-05 16:53:36 have i earned it yet?
2026-07-01 11:20:24 is that screenshot going to save you?
2026-06-30 20:48:25 i would like to make music that sounds like something. . .
2026-06-30 19:54:48 i used to meditate on things more, re reading books a dozen time and rewatching films and shows and videos i liked.
2026-06-30 19:51:30 stop the breadth start the depth, i mean it!
2026-06-30 12:50:33 okay im actually standing at my desk in my heart patterned nurse socks i am going to win today!!!
2026-06-25 11:57:17 i just have to ask myself "has this helped me make music", and move on.
2026-06-23 17:46:53 need to buy a new charger for my laptop but i am also out of money oops. will be closing this guy down for now, chow.
2026-06-23 15:58:50 i think if a note is finished, it shouldn't be here. oh??????? what the fuck??????? i said i think if a note is finished it shouldn't be here.
2026-06-22 14:11:03 i want to be the kind of person who times their vocals at the end of a session instead of putting it off for weeks.
2026-06-22 14:07:09 time the vocals before the end of the day challenge.
2026-06-18 16:42:22 hate spending all of my stupid time solving stupid problems that i created myself.
2026-06-16 20:13:38 they should invent a vulnerability that feels good.
2026-06-15 11:59:25 i wanna use it all up before i die.
mon jun 15, everything i need
june 12 at 10:19 am, wanted to try something different
2026-06-11 14:28:15 what's music that someone cooler than me would make?
2026-06-11 14:23:03 cat eat bird -> something beautiful being torn apart, only remembering the destruction.
2026-06-10 19:04:00 literally prayed for times like these (access to the knowledge and tools and time to make music) i owe it to myself to make the best of it.
2026-06-07 23:11:34 i need to practice compression with INTENTION.
2026-06-05 16:20:26 do i want to finish songs because making music is something i like or do i want to because i think it will save my life?
2026-06-03 17:37:21 is tension in music just heavy foreshadowing??
2026-06-03 17:31:19 what if i just work with the assumption that whatever i make will be okay.
may 24 at 10:08 pm, unplugred fun
2026-05-17 22:06:44 this is gonna be a bel canto summer.
2026-05-15 21:24:56 there's nothing wrong with me? then what am i going to do with all these cures??
2026-05-14 13:21:39 hypothetically if i were to work on music today,
2026-05-14 13:19:22 of course i get home from the dentist and i am sneezing! can't go one day without living in a society.
2026-05-13 21:33:59 why did all the outlets in my room besides one stop working. this is so.... like okay well i wasn't making music anyway but i'm still annoyed.
2026-05-13 14:52:37 did not do that. maybe i should take my own life?
2026-05-13 11:10:00 today i can look up more chain mail patterns.
sat may 9, byzantine
2026-05-09 11:44:55 should probably go and get nail polish remover but um instead i want to make chainmaille.
2026-05-07 15:22:53 i realized for most of my projects my biggest obstical is getting recordings. i should focus on that as much as possible, then editing the vocals then wrapping up production and eveerythign.
2026-05-02 21:00:39 oops i forgot that there was more to life than products projects and production.
2026-05-02 20:07:01 i really enjoyed today i wish i could be a better person.
2026-05-02 19:59:02 time is ticking, i need to start doing what i want.
2026-05-02 19:52:52 me on the internet: i'm not coming on the internet, i'm staying off the internet!
2026-05-02 19:13:05 checked out a book from the library about making audio plugins it's so over.
2026-05-01 21:41:19 this is so strange.. like i know what i want but i don't know where to reach.
2026-05-01 21:40:41 and next we are learning chainmaille!
2026-05-01 20:23:08 need to figure out what i like to do and do that to extremeness.
2026-05-01 20:22:13 hate taking mid day naps, i always wake up feeling like a vewn character.
2026-05-01 20:21:03 forgot about waffles sorry im still obsessed with waffles like wtf these are so good.
thu apr 30, made a paperclip
2026-04-30 20:17:21 i wasn't happy at all anyway. should have kept my old earphones to use the wires to make jewelry. wait a minute.
2026-04-27 21:38:19 idk im just so obsessed with like myth and magic. how do i wield that?
2026-04-27 12:00:12 moved my monitor to the floor last night. can't go on denying that im too fatigued to work at the desk.
2026-04-27 10:10:26. i smile and nod while you talk about your cult.
2026-04-26 19:35:27 i want to be real. i want to exist, i want to make things.
2026-04-23 20:03:13 i want to do things and get things done.
2026-04-23 16:35:38 i don't want to imagine anything anymore, i just wanna live my life.
2026-04-23 14:47:19 i need to learn to finish songs by enhancing what is already there, not changing everything or adding a ton of new sounds. refine mode, need to learn need to master.
2026-04-23 13:31:18 what are my goals here??? what am i doing??? just running around aimlessly on my computer.
2026-04-22 16:49:07 i need someone to help me with my shit and figure out how to finish things (and how to tell when things are finished. ).
2026-04-22 16:45:09 screaming in gentle pain. i am so afraid that i can't do it that i refuse to start.
2026-04-22 15:05:48 i don't need to do this!!! i don't need to do any of it!!!!
2026-04-22 14:55:38 the problem is i just want to watch tv and eat vitamin c drops all day. i'm not sick anymore i need to work. .
2026-04-22 14:55:22 write and be very specific. be very vivid.
2026-04-22 14:48:04 my toxic trait is,, i hate having to turn myself into words.
2026-04-21 11:38:24 nooo nooo i can't do this again.
2026-04-20 21:00:48 i think most of my tracks can be a lot shorter.
2026-04-20 20:45:28 i should make all the music i want to make, all the time.
2026-04-20 20:44:13 hate that i've been falling back into the trap of not finishing things. ugh . i want to finish things. i want to get things done. i want to live in a world where things can end.
2026-04-20 20:40:18 why am i getting upset and negative? i don't like that feeling. i made nothing today, very disappointed in myself. idk what to do about being sick. need to do laundry tomorrow, should have done it today tbh. i listen to music i like and get upset what is this. NOT AGAIN HAHAHHA. i need to stop using my weak laptop as an excuse and continue making music when i am sick.
2026-04-20 14:07:08 how to hold yourself accountable without a gun?
2026-04-20 12:21:26 need coffee like the dickens.
2026-04-19 16:53:44 it will always be there when i need it. i doubt i'll ever need it, i can wait.
2026-04-19 14:39:42 that's it the player is done. like for forever, it's done.
2026-04-18 19:55:58 not gonna lie i kinda slayed the house boots down chile today with the audio players, fr fr type shit ong.
2026-04-17 21:13:03 finally got around to following the audio player tutorial, so happy rn. got all the functionality i need, now i just need to figure out how to style it.
2026-04-17 12:50:06 what if i just assume i am good enough and that i do have what it takes from here on out? im stuck in this prison either way, might as well feel good while im here.
2026-04-15 21:05:11 i need to get addicted to making things again.
2026-04-13 16:55:34 might just know what i'm doing.
2026-04-13 13:44:20 talked to the lady this morning and got upset because she said i should be making music even if i feel tired because it will make me feel better in the long run.
2026-04-11 17:33:12 rattling my chains rn. if i typed as much on my midi keyboard as i do on my typing keyboard i would be so much better at music by now.
2026-04-11 16:56:14 what do you think you're getting away from? the world is ripe and open for repurposing. take the bones of the songs. i don't understand why my music brain is so fragile right now. just the thought of working with more than one sound layer is driving me nuts. so. i guess i need to make things with just one layer.
apr 10 at 8:42 pm, night time arp
2026-04-10 19:37:33 i literally forgot how to make music this is so sad.
2026-04-10 18:24:33 yeah i make music, in theory.
fri apr 10, reading and getting smarter
2026-04-09 19:35:32 did everything on my list and i'm still not happy.
2026-04-09 13:28:49 i'm really upset and i don't even know why!!! i have everything i need and i can do everything i want.
2026-04-08 21:42:42 idk why i thought writing songs for over a decade would mean i'd be good at it by now, i swear every song i write feels like discovering a new element from scratch.
2026-04-08 18:43:28 tbh i think i need to let a lot more things go, clear out the bounce folders and only keep the things that are new and or actually being worked on.
2026-04-08 18:37:42 don't need to niche down more, just need to gain more proficiency within each niche.
2026-04-08 11:44:32 i love getting everything off my list before noon. it makes me feel so powerful.
2026-04-08 11:41:22 started a new paper journal because i'm going insane and i thought it could help bind me.
wed apr 8, today's bandage
2026-04-08 11:23:36 went outside and realized to make this project i will have to go outside a lot and let that guide me. ugh.
2026-04-07 16:48:55 thinking of destroying myself and being reborn.
2026-04-07 16:18:35 parsing my thoughts. and then deleting because i don't need a tangible note to know myself.
2026-04-06 19:30:49 envy is a waiting room, a holding cell.
2026-04-06 19:28:31 in the midst of browsing online and eating a slice of an overripe and partially rotten pineapple and noticed my lip was bleeding again after wiping juice off my mouth with a paper towel.
fri apr 3, four (hour nap) on the floor
apr 2 at 6:15 pm, small melody
2026-04-02 17:31:32 need to embrace simplicity in my sound.
2026-04-01 17:55:25 vocal production day. might need more cider for this .
apr 1 at 3:32pm, ambient piece + birds
2026-03-31 18:38:28 wish they made a cure for having an appointment tomorrow morning.
2026-03-31 14:57:23 there has to be a way to finish songs without cutting myself off from society for a week.
2026-03-30 22:00:35 i just need to let myself get lost working on a track.
fri mar 27, ooo
2026-03-22 19:23:01 like okay i just need to lock in an record and mix all the songs i wrote last year this should be easy.
2026-03-22 13:48:01 i'm only real when i'm making music.
2026-03-21 23:33:12 am i showing as much as i could??? am i showing in the right way.
2026-03-21 23:30:13 am i?
2026-03-17 18:39:49 really wish i was in the head and body space to finish my own music but omg revisiting the spirit soundtrack always gets me in my feels it's so majestic and beautiful.
2026-03-17 16:14:06 appreciation, awe, attention (to detail), admiration, acknowledgement, attunement, awareness, assessment, appreciation. a lot of french derived words here for some reason.
2026-03-16 18:38:02 i thought i would have so much energy today and put so many things on my list lol. just gonna let myself be sick i guess, there's not much else i can do.
2026-03-16 18:31:38 starting to come to terms with the fact that i might be sick for the rest of my life. i keep getting exhausted and run down in the exact same way every few weeks and
2026-03-15 20:54:22 wish someone could figure out what's wrong with me and fix it so i can go back to making music the way i was last year.
2026-03-15 20:51:10 replaced the interface now the hiss is so much quieter but still haunts me. might have to accept my fate and just incorporate it into my style somehow.
2026-03-12 20:05:17 on one side you see people saying to take your time with your ideas and creations and on the other side (the side where i live) it's like be disciplined, practice daily, move quickly and allow yourself to make mistakes. and i know during that 3 month period where i was getting up early every day to make things i was progressing more than i ever had in my life. but also recently i've been running into a wall and i'm not sure why.
but also, back then i was listening to a lot of music that was different and new to me. and i was learning how to use the tools and trying something new almost every day. so maybe i need to put an emphasis on learning new things and experimenting with different sounds. and also return to the practicing. but how do i balance practicing with actually finishing things and spending a long time on something??my head hurts.
2026-03-10 22:26:05 every time i see the year it feels like i'm getting smacked in the face.
sun mar 8, incredibly photogenic apple
2026-03-08 17:42:05 this new interface... i feel so unbridled,,, literally galloping free..
2026-03-07 20:48:08 to be a lamb is to be devoured.
2026-02-23 18:53:15 i think if it's worth saying at all, it's worth repeating.
sat feb 21, desk
2026-02-21 23:16:26 mp3 player day was yesterday by the way and i just found out it's small enough to tuck into my bra while changing so the music literally never stops now.
2026-02-21 20:14:45 something deep from my memory that resurfaces every once in a while is stock footage of people pouring out pills and drug factory conveyor belts being shown on the news when reporting on the opioid epidemic in the mid to late thousands.
2026-02-19 19:54:36 export cleaned up versions of demos, the instrumentals, condensed versions.
2026-02-16 01:59:24 whats left now is just hard work.
2026-02-15 12:40:59 its annoying that i have to surrender to making what i can and not just what i want to. but with practice and time i can make what i want to too.
2026-02-15 11:55:48 the point of this operation. is to slow things down so i can observe them in depth.
2026-02-14 18:07:09 it doesn't matter what it is but it has to mean something to me, it has to mean a lot to me, it has to mean everything.
2026-02-13 19:06:54 earbuds have finally worn down on the high end enough for me to listen to autechre at a normal volume. learning CLI so i can finally figure out how to transfer my keep data to markdown files.
2026-02-12 11:23:56 again:
2026-02-11 16:45:26 i'm going to do it all because i have no choice. i'm going to be okay too. i'm going to be so okay it's insane.
2026-02-11 13:46:16 teaching myself to let go of old projects is harder than i thought it would be, much much harder than it should be.
2026-02-11 12:18:52 hiding from reality doesn't make it go away. but also i need to find a way to be aware of and connected to reality that doesn't make me feel powerless and drive me insane.
grappling with contradictions. is part of what art is.
2026-02-10 10:03:09 i'm in my head swinging back and fourth between the extremeness of "i must finish my current projects before i return to music" and "if i don't make music now i will never make anything again". but i know with a surreal(fragile?) certainty that it is very important for me to rest right now and focus on curation. desperation atrophy. i got way to caught up in what i wanted to be able to do and not what i could do. i don't want to make music like that. i know theres a better way.
2026-02-09 10:27:23 my songs don't have to be the way i thought they did. anything can be anything, and i can try anything i want.
2026-02-08 21:51:06 trust + hope.
2026-02-08 20:33:01 forgetting and letting go.
2026-02-07 20:10:51 i'm going to make so many good songs in the future. i can't wait to do that. i also can't wait to get rid of these old ideas.
2026-02-07 19:37:21 wouldn't it be so funny if every us state had their own currency??
2026-02-07 16:29:10 i am literally getting the second chance i was dreaming of.
2026-02-06 18:54:14 god i hate it when i spend time living my life instead of making music.
2026-02-06 12:51:42 i have not watched a single movie this week. pray for me.
2026-02-06 12:47:00 i actually love doing my tasks and getting things done. it would be great if they made a way for me to get things done every day.
thu feb 5, working on tool
2026-02-05 00:13:53 Okay so by accident yesterday i worked on something for several hours. And by accident i mean i couldn't pull myself away. I also couldn't pull myself away from the js project before that. Hopefully today i will do more reading.
2026-02-03 15:33:04 heartbreaking: there are in fact enough hours in a day if i actually do the things i say i plan to do instead of putting them off.
2026-02-03 14:20:48 yuck i feel anxious.
mon feb 2, fresh pair of sony MDREX15LP
2026-02-02 21:08:02 my head hurts this is too much pressure.
2026-02-02 20:52:14 i want to delete everything.
2026-02-02 20:51:40 i feel like i want too much. but actually what i want is to peel everything back and simplify is that so bad.
2026-02-02 18:14:32 very invested in the here and now.
2026-02-02 18:11:44 was given a bottle of ck one. for free. free k one.
2026-02-01 18:31:50 why can't i be more like me?
2026-01-29 12:29:56 what am i doing for dinner and the rest of my life???
2026-01-28 12:25:41 realizing a lot just now.
2026-01-25 13:21:20 i need to get through these songs as quick as possible because i need to finish and release █████-████ while i'm still 25.
2026-01-24 20:16:42 what is my genre
2026-01-24 20:16:28 maybe i should stay in my genre.
2026-01-24 16:17:25 the cycles of abuse irt facial expressions being weaponized, neglecting mirroring expressions and emotions leading to inability to emote or intuit emotions in others properly leading to paranoia and demanding to know the reason behind every micro-expression to becoming expressionless, neglecting mirroring....
2026-01-24 15:28:28 do i have to be my own mirror? do i have to be someone else's mirror????
2026-01-24 15:26:10 you'll survive this, just like you survived the rest of it.
2026-01-24 15:12:22 i want to be less online and reduce my screentime overall but i have no way of making music irl, like i don't play instruments and i can barely sing on key. (thinking of getting. a keyboard and a 4 track basically. )
2026-01-24 13:55:23 decision making is a brain mode you have to engage intentionally .
2026-01-24 11:35:25 you're allowed to forget things. you're allowed to let things go. it's not failure to forget. make room for the things that matter. you'll be okay without it.
you'll find it if you need it.
2026-01-23 21:51:01 list of movies where the whole time i'm like "idk" but then the ending makes it worth it:
- bodies bodies bodies
- sometimes i think about dying
2026-01-23 18:59:41 so sick of breaking promises to myself that's not how a full life is lived at all.
2026-01-23 01:04:25 just to check in to say i am very concerned for my mental health i spent what felt like an hour making one sound and then i opened allusion to look at one of my boards and compare a bounce i did yesterday to the aesthetic of the board but got distracted because allusion opened on a different board then i noticed there were a bunch of pictures with green and yellow so i left the board (the tag i mean) and then started selecting everything i saw that had green and yellow (to make another tag) and i had scrolled down a few pages before i realized that i was just clicking and not pressing ctrl. and all the while i was like wow this is amazing this is so cool this is great.
2026-01-22 23:44:14 reaching critical levels of living the dream.
thu jan 22, ██████████ ███ █ ███████
wed jan 21, desk
2026-01-21 21:58:56 maladaptive daydreaming is one hell of a drug. and i think it's interesting the things that keep me present compared to the things that don't .
2026-01-17 23:20:01 this new method from defining a starting point and seeing where you end up is sick, i should try it more often.
2026-01-17 21:38:11 i literally said on the 11th "i work better when instead of having a goal, i have a starting point" why did i forget that it's so important
2026-01-16 18:35:53 does anyone else ever just scream and scream and scream and scream and scream.
2026-01-16 15:31:02 why do all my songs sound like other songs? might have to kms.
2026-01-15 19:30:34 beginning to fear i might not have what it takes to pursue art in a disciplined way. i don't know how i feel about that. i will start trying to write more in french.
2026-01-15 19:14:20 trying once again to rein in my brain and get myself to do the one thing i actually enjoy doing on a regular basis (make music). i don't know what happened, from august to november i had such a good system and was working so fluidly then suddenly it all dried up.
2026-01-11 18:46:59 so glad my brain has ideas for me so i don't have to.
2026-01-01 22:11:30 stop wasting creativity just make things and finish them.